I’m tired of people romanticizing overexertion. Exhausted is not the new chic. Coffee (though {sometimes} a delicious necessity) is not a food group, and running on fumes is not admirable. Why do we hold pedestals for sleepless nights, break downs and inner turmoil? Are those things really to aspire to? Self care, balance, the ability to know when your body, mind, and spirit need to take a step back. Those are things we should admire. We have to stop blurring the line between ‘commitment’ and self endangerment, because too many people are burning out before they have a chance to truly shine.
…because love wins.
Tag Archives: Childhood
The 25th year!
I think I’ve evaluated that life is often a walk to find the line between remaining optimistic and leading, and being jaded and hiding away. When I was 18, I was like most 18-year-olds and thought I knew just about everything that there was to know. And I did know enough to live through college, collect some awesome friends, do some jobs I love and decide on a wonderful boyfriend. But I certainly didn’t know everything.
It’s amazing to watch little kids look up to me and other people my age. I remember the first time that I realized they expected me to know everything for them. It’s amazing – and somewhat terrifying. But it’s a wonderful thing how loving someone and leading someone teaches you to make up your mind and be what you know you should be. That was one of the most memorable catalysts for growth in these 7 years.
So now I’m 25. I learned a lot since age 18. Here are 25 of those things.
- Eating healthy isn’t a fad. It decides an awful lot about how you succeed in life.
- You don’t know everything. Neither to do I.
- Apologies are real, and if they work, that’s awesome. But sometimes they don’t, and that’s likely not your fault.
- You never, ever, need to apologize for who you are. What you have done, yes, but who you are – no. Don’t. Ever.
- Mental illnesses suck, and are real, but also don’t decide a person’s character.
- I love Justin Bieber.
- God can take it when you’re angry at Him.
- You really aren’t likely going to know what God is always doing, but eventually you’ll make it through.
- Dating people is fun. Don’t be afraid to do that. Heatbreak heals. You’ll grow a lot.
- You don’t have to be friends with people that you don’t like.
- It’s okay for you to say no and have boundaries.
- LOVE YOURSELF. Do things that make you happy.
- Never stop dancing. Especially when you’re sad.
- Your mom and dad are people. They are different than you, and make mistakes. Not everything is their fault.
- Changing poopy diapers is a life skill everyone should have.
- Roommates found on Craigslist can be character building.
- Listen first. And sometimes just listen, if you have no idea what to say. You don’t always need to know what to say.
- Don’t walk away in the middle of an argument.
- Arguments and conflict are okay – learn how to fight fair and express emotions.
- People who look awesome sometimes make big mistakes. And things are redeemable.
- Driving with the windows down doesn’t get old.
- Smile wide, and often.
- Say what you mean. Try to figure out what you mean.
- God holds me so so so close. And I am so important.
- I am valuable, and should be treated as such. So are you.
So there you go. I have lots of cool things planned for the 25th year of my life. And Justin Bieber released a song for my birthday. What a guy. Have a wonderful day, lovelies!
…because love wins.
Why you should let people go.
A little while ago there was an app called “Who Deleted Me?” It was designed by Anthony Kuske, whose Twitter profile says he’s from the UK and “makes websites and stuff.” This app was one of those things. The purpose of said app was to do just that – tell people who had deleted them on facebook.
Facebook is a weird, strange, awesome, and dumb thing all at once. We get to connect with anyone virtually anywhere around the world. But at the same time, we can also see all kinds of things that are left to our own imagination. Because let’s be honest – no one is as happy as their profile picture all of the time. And thinking they are can ruin your life.
So then what do we do when one of our used-to-be best friends decides they’re done and we’re not friends anymore? And then what happens when you find that out through a crazy little app? Well, if you cared, it probably sucks pretty badly. If you don’t, you’ll probably have an easier time with what I’m about to say.
If someone doesn’t want to love you, or be your friend, or doesn’t build you up even when they are your friend, it’s time to let them go. Yeah, not that easy, right? Well, it sort of is.
Why would you want to be friends with an enemy you have? Would you call up the kid who picked on you in second grade and ask them to be your best friend? No, I certainly don’t think you would. Sorry to say, but when your friend walked away (and in a dramatic way like a facebook delete to prove a point without a real conversation) they entered the same category. Either they didn’t appreciate you, or they think they will have a better life elsewhere.
I’ve had people die in my life, and I’ve had people walk away. When I was younger, both destroyed me. Now, only death hurts me. Because I only keep camp with the people who I really know love me and who will let me love them back. And it’s okay to know that someone walking away isn’t your fault. It’s the walking person’s fault.
So, if they walked away, don’t chase them. And don’t let them come back. If they cared, and they were someone to want around, they never would have left to begin with. You’re worth more than being someone’s option. They chose to have you let them go, so let them go. And don’t apologize for knowing your worth.
Strong is beautiful – you are beautiful. Smile and do something you love. Because you weren’t worth letting go.
…because love wins.
Why you need to call your mom and dad.
I spend a lot of time thinking about the end of early life compared to those around me.
Stubbed my toe? I’ll be in Heaven someday. This is okay.
Someone isn’t kind to me? They probably need a hug. Life is short.
Family needs help? Yes. Just yes. Life is short.
Someone picks on me? Doesn’t matter – the earth won’t matter at some point.
I’m tired? Still need to call my mom and dad.
When I was in the second grade, I heard three words that changed everything about me. “You have cancer.”
We weren’t a super exceptional family. We played together and argued and laughed. We ate dinner together and tried to give each other the space we needed to function. My sister and I were little – growing. Needing love. Mom and dad were older, but still needing love. We were by no means perfect.
Then cancer happened. And I changed. But so did the other three people who fought alongside me. My sister was my best friend, and she knows that, because she still is. But my mom and dad were my brain, and my comfort, and my hope.
I weighed somewhere around 50 lbs when I started my 49 weeks of chemotherapy. I was always so exhausted from the treatment that I often had a hard time waking up in the middle of the night. That paired with having fluids pumped into me all day every day made a lot of room for wet beds.
I would roll over, “Mommy, (who was sleeping on a terribly uncomfortable couch) I had an accident.” She was exhausted, but she loved me. And these are the moments when someone knows what real love is. She changed my clothes and moved my IV pole over to her bed where I went back to sleep. The nurses could have changed the bedding, but my mom always insisted upon doing it.
My dad spent the night with me on the weekends. He was strong enough to carry me, so every night he would set an alarm to wake me up to take me to the bathroom to prevent having an accident. I was frail, and sick, and he would gently wake me up, carry me into the bathroom which he kept dimly lit, and take care of me. Then he would carry me back and we’d drift back to our hospital sleep.
And that’s why you need to call your mom and dad. Because no matter what you think they did wrong, they did stuff. They took care of you, changed your diapers, worked to feed you, and honestly, kept you alive this long. That’s a lot of work.
I hate seeing my parents grow older. Cancer taught us to call each other. I talk to my mom at least 3 times each day. Because you know what? Life is supposed to be like that. We’re supposed to be obsessed with each other and want to talk to each other. Someone should know what we’re eating for lunch and it shouldn’t have to be on facebook.
And I hate seeing them grow older because I know that unlike most people my age, I won’t have to worry about if we were close enough. I’ll know that we were, because I won’t know how to move forward without my best of best friends to share each day with.
Think about it next time you’re worried about yourself before your parents. Then pick up the phone and ask them how they are.
…because love wins.
You’re a survivor and that is amazing.
Each day older I grow, I understand more the reality of what it means to have survived childhood cancer. As a younger person, it was just a part of my life; I hadn’t seen much else, and I was just too busy playing to understand what it means to still be alive today. But now, I marvel at my leg, my hair, and my beating heart. Let me tell you why.
I stood up one morning. I took a step, and my knee gave out beneath me. I never knew that I’d never walk on that leg again. I ate my vegetables, and I slept full nights, and I was even nice to my friends. I never would have expected cancer. I probably would have just called you a liar if you would have told me that was really going to be my life.
But alas, I couldn’t walk. Soon, I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t get out of bed. Sometimes, I almost couldn’t breathe. To say that it’s a humbling experience to face mortality is just more of an understatement than I can explain. No one can walk to death with you. It’s you, and Jesus, (which is why you need Him), and death. I met myself in ways that I cannot describe.
I remember laying in bed begging God to make the throwing up end. To bring my friends back to life, and to just make it all be okay. And seriously, I don’t even know how I survived. I looked dead almost every day for a full year.
But then I did. I started to take steps on crutches. I made myself get out of bed. Jesus restored my spirit, and I locked eyes with death, and shook my head, “no.” And I just turned and walked away into the rest of life.
I am 23 now, and I feel like I grasp that death didn’t win, but that it sure could have. My fingers move, I can take a deep breath, and I can kiss my nephew. And it’s very much on purpose that I am alive.
The take-away is this. If you haven’t met death yet, listen to what I say. Right now, you’re a survivor, and that is amazing. Don’t take that for granted.
….because love wins.
Album Review: Christina Grimmie – With Love
I may have a new music obsession. This quirky girl (who would probably say she was a ‘gurl’), who loves video games, inspiring the world, laughing, being herself, singing, and Jesus.
Her name is Christina Grimmie. There’s a real possibility that you’ve heard one of her gazillion awesome cover videos, but this week she released her second album. She’s younger than me, raw, honest, and just so human. And that means I’m going to promote her. Because if there’s one thing this world needs, it’s to see that the next generation of leaders is interested in being real, not being a show.
She reminds me a lot of me. More than the dark hair and smiling, but less than the video games. Though, Mario Kart is my game. Anyway, you should buy her whole album, and listen to every single word. And then dance.
And then you should really listen to the song I Bet You Don’t Curse God. This is most certainly my favorite song on the album. It’s set gently a midst some songs about heartbreak and hope. And it says what America needs to hear.
I cannot even explain how sick to my stomach I get when I hear someone use the name of Jesus Christ as their opportunity to look awesome, to act in power, or just to sound like they’ve got confidence in something.
I get that way because I have held the hands of 5 year-olds who take their last breaths on earth before they make it to kindergarten. Because I’ve watched moms and dads lay on caskets begging for hope, and I’ve watched people who spend their entire lives ignoring Jesus Christ and then begging Him for help as soon as life doesn’t go according to their plan.
I get that way because I used to curse God. Maybe I wasn’t profane all day every day, but I wasn’t respectful of who He was every day. I didn’t treat Him as though He was my best friend every day. But I sure did when I found out that I had cancer. I sure did when He needed to save my best friend. I sure did when I was in the depths of depression and wanted to die.
And you know what? I was wrong. Ignoring Him is foolish. It’s completely stupid. He’s not a set of stitches, He’s the nutrition to our skin so that we don’t get cut. And we would save ourselves so much if we walked with Him before we felt like we needed Him.
I am, and Christina is. And we’re just humans like you. Quit waiting and wasting your life. And just join us. There’s a lot more hope in your pain than you could ever imagine. Just treat Him like a friend. Just don’t curse God. Just don’t. Be who you were meant to be.
I Bet You Don’t Curse God – Listen Here!
…because love wins
This is what depression feels like.
Wake up.
Crap. I hate this. I don’t even want to get up.
Lay there. Try to sleep again.
Can’t sleep. This sucks. Why even get up? I hate everything anyway.
Alarm goes off again.
Just…no.
Deep breath.
Well, I have to. People expect it. But *sigh* nothing is good.
The feeling sinks more in as the tired wears off and the reality that there is no energy to come shows up again. Another day, after another night where you thought you’d go to bed and wake up okay. Another morning where you cannot understand why you can’t get it together.
I don’t want to brush my teeth.
Sit on couch. Stare out window. No thoughts.
I can’t brush my teeth.
Lays back down.
Please, don’t let anyone come and talk to me.
Mom shows up. “Time to get up!”
She makes me so mad, but okay.
I can’t do this.
The fog grows darker and darker as you realize that you haven’t the strength to even get dressed, let alone try to put on a disposition that you care about something in the world. The fog that takes away what you do enjoy, and leaves you begging to just enjoy something again.
Get dressed from the unorganized clothes.
I’ll get to those tomorrow.
Work.
Come on brain, concentrate. Please, just concentrate.
Rubs eyes.
Can’t concentrate. WHY CAN’T I THINK!?
What’s even the point?
Tears.
Phone call to mom.
I can’t do this.
“You can do this.”
I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.
The walls start to crash in. You feel like an idiot because nothing is wrong, but everything feels dead, teary-eyed, and purposeless. You want someone to call and check on you but you couldn’t speak with them even if they did. You’re just…exhausted.
You make it through another day, somehow.
Go home. Empty house. Feels like your heart.
Who cares about TV? Why are there always so many dishes? I hope no one calls. I have to try to get this house in order.
Sit on couch. Exhaustion piles on thick. Tired eyes, no reason to stand up, achy body, and every negative thought ever.
You won’t be able to do this. All of your friends are going to leave. Your family won’t want to be around you. You can’t be real with these people or else you’ll just sit here like this really alone. You’re a mess; get it together.
No dishes, no cleaning, just begging for bedtime. But knowing 7pm will always be too early. Lay there awake and in aching misery for a while more. Cry, if you’re not too tired to.
Please, God, let it be better tomorrow.
——
I find that a lot of people have no idea what depression feels like. Oftentimes, it’s a joke. “Why don’t they just get over it?” “Why don’t you just be thankful for some things?” “Clean your room; open some blinds!” “Just call a friend.”
But I just couldn’t. No one with serious depression can. In all honesty, to have depression and not kill yourself sometime during the day is a huge feat. And it’s not pretend. It’s devastatingly real. So real that I would rather go through every day of chemotherapy and amputation instead.
People who stay alive in this aren’t a mess – they’re stronger than you’ll ever know.
So here’s to hope. If you don’t understand depression, please do. Know if your friends and family are depressed. If they’re not calling you back, it might because they need you to go to their house and help them. Clean their house until they can do it again on their own. Never tell them they’re a mess – they’ve already got all the problems evident enough.
If you do understand depression, and you’ve been there, you’re not alone. You are never, ever alone. I know how you feel, and I now, for the first time in my entire life, am not fighting the negative screaming in my head. I’m alive, and you will be too.
Just comment here if you need help. I can help you know what to do.
Don’t give up. You are not ever alone.
…because love wins.
In the Hall of Fame.
Often in life, as a leader of many who is also a young adult, I’ve had a lot of lash back. Not that people didn’t like what I was doing, or didn’t want to walk alongside me, but that people often times didn’t (and don’t) believe what I am saying or that why I am acting is genuine.
But the reality is, even in this broken world, some people are still honest. And some people really do still care about you. And they don’t do things half way. They are loyal. They will come in the middle of the night – probably with your favorite tray of cookies.
And they aren’t here to push you under or away.
In the midst of bombings in Boston and explosions in Texas and entire countries unaware of the outside world because of tyrants, be a sparkle. Be a light. Don’t let people who aren’t genuine make you think that you can’t be either.
It’s that kind of thing that gets you in the hall of fame.
…because love wins.
Because Love Wins 