Who are we as we’re born, and what right do the scars to have to stay there in the days since we took our first breath? You’re not that wound, or another. And, you’re not without hope. You’re beautiful. You’re pure. You smile with your inner being. Because deeply, you are His. You know Home. And in Home you will begin.

I’m here.

…because love wins.

Why in the world is there a whole world of people that want to be with me, but when I’m with them I think about the fact that I want to be around you? There’s something in those eyes you see with that see more than you know, and there’s life in there that should be unleashed on the world. And most of all, scared little one, it’s ok to grow. Ah, I can’t explain to you how much I love you. And I can’t explain to you how I have no idea why I love you so. But you can promise I hope I can see you forever.

Jesus wants something. All of you, for more.

Let those eyes look deeply. Let yourself be.

…because love wins.

The white walls and layers of paper and binding make me remember days that elated me. These days do too. But even as I look across the table, I remember how much I wish you were every day. And in the middle of all the everything, I stop and remember how every day is change. Every day, is more finding the forever in the cross. For you. For me. For eternity. It’s all we hold onto. It lets you be close. No matter what, I still love you.

…because love wins.

Honestly, I laugh at what this life is. Every day, I walk around and laugh. “How is possible to be so happy?” you ask me. Hahaha. I have no idea. His name is Jesus. There’s a WHOLE lot about Him that I don’t understand. Marketing. I am delighted to read that book. I want to hug you all. I want to live it all. I walk through the pouring rain and you tell me about the Holy Spirit. It freaks you out a little bit. Yeah, that’s ok. You long board all over the place, and it’s incredible to watch you be. I snuggle with a dinosaur and a giraffe and pass thoughts about people that are held in my heart. You help me with emails, and you answer my crazy phone calls. And I climb those stairs and look into your eyes.

And then, I sit, and I listen to the rain and to the cars go by.

Life cannot be more beautiful.

…because love wins.

It’s funny how, a year later, it’s just now registering to me that you’re not coming back.

Be experiential. Live everything. See grace.

…because love wins.

International House of Pancakes.

Being there with you, was a bit surreal. Yet, surreal is such an interesting thing for me in these days. Nothing really surprises me anymore, just rather, exists in a realm of unbelievability. This weekend gave way to more than one or one hundred of those moments.

What does one feel when walking away from someone that’s been given their death sentence numerous times? Relation. What does someone feel when walking up to the crashing waves of the bright blue Pacific? Relation. What does one feel when bustling through a world of boarding passes and rolling bags? Relation. What does one feel when stopping to say: “Please, Jesus.”? Relation.

I’m learning to learn the eyes of Jesus in the world around me. What they see, and what they look like. This weekend they were a mini cooper and talk of divorce. They were remembering to be honest, and to remain in the moment. They were biking a little farther and speaking boldly about struggle. They didn’t tell me to go forward or backward, but instead, remain. They were stories of Africa, the soft touch of cold skin from the ocean, and laughing to tears at you being you. They were reminding to always learn.

So we relate. You and me. In IHOP. In row 17. When we think about orphans. When You listen to my cries for help.

I return to the library to close it down this Sunday night. I’m delighted to be back. Wonder at the mysteries beyond me of what always happens. Wonder at the details of what is happening. There aren’t ways to say what I saw in the past few days. There aren’t ways to explain why I won’t give up these things to stave off the overwhelming homework. There aren’t words to explain how I am forever blessed at the core to know that I trust the One that relates us all.

Your eyes were jaded by the AIDS. You told me that sometimes you wished it hadn’t happened. And, yet, you cried when you thanked me for being who I am. No, no, the thanks is so far beyond us both.You know me for that reason. Because your tears thank with a love beyond you.

Marketing tests and things to read and sunsets on the ocean and bowling for hope and still forever trying to learn how to say yes and no. This, this, I am thankful for as I walk out the library doors to pass a gaze with the stars here.

I am in love. I am alive. I am redeemed.

…because love wins.

You know it all about me. You’ve lived what others can’t. You had to go somewhere else though, and some things are in the past. I know we’ve got a lot ahead, and these people are so blessed. But oh, it’s hard to not think some things are lost, when not seeing you always is the opportunity cost.

I miss you. I love you so much more than that.

…because love wins.

You used to throw softballs at that plastic target in the backyard.
You weren’t the best, and sometimes played the bench.
It didn’t matter, you didn’t know, because what I saw,
was a hero, with footsteps to match.

I adored you as you grew.
I missed you as you left.
You’d come home and annoy me,
which ended always in laughter in bed.

I remembered tonight,
when you would come in the car when the fever got me.
You were my best friend then,
enough to catch vomit, and next to me, just be.

Now you have that little boy,
and you smile like you never have before.
You dream of forever,
and protect with your heart.

You still mess up sometimes,
though play less bench now.
Would still catch my vomit,
and do get in cars when I’m down.

I’ve learned to not take you for granted.
There are things that will change too fast.
But you have been here for all those thus far,
and know without my words, perfectly my past.

So keep walking,
for I’m still watching.
And know that I don’t thank you enough,
for everything you do; it’s so beyond enough.

You know where to tickle me.
You remember my dreams.
You’ve seen me cry.
You’ve laughed to tears.
You’ve made me food.
You’ve let me share with you.
You’ve been more than a sister.

You’ve shared it all, being who no one else could be.
Making you my sister, but more, forever my best friend.

I love you.

…because love wins.