Bless the Lord, oh my soul. Worship His holy name.
Sing like never before, oh my soul.
I’ll worship Your holy name.
This is my heart today. Praise the Lord!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rrW98U5ZEw
…because love wins.
Tag Archives: Hope
Say what you need to say.
Some of the greatest mistakes that I have ever seen others make come from being silent when they need to speak. Today, I went on a drive by myself. I watched a deer jump around and then the sunset after that. I thought through the richness of my most recent conversations:
“He just got his feeding tube. He’s not a big fan of it.”
“Can I hold your hand?”
“I always dreamed of something like this.”
“I cannot believe this is happening.”
“Will you be my best friend?”
And then I thought about what would have happened in the lives of these people had we not spoken. They wouldn’t know me, and I wouldn’t know them. When they or I leave the earth, we wouldn’t have last words to share. We wouldn’t have changed each other’s hearts.
I’ve lost quite a few friends. And the things that were most important (and remain the most important) are the moments of rawness. The tears, the Gospel, the serious ache. The “I’m sorry.” and “I forgive you.” The “That’s annoying.” and “That’s funny.” And the teary eyed conversations that end in prayer and laughter.
The gist is this. Fear is easy. Love is hard.
Let yourself always say the kind things that you need to say. You’ll be so happy you did. And so will everyone else.
…because love wins.
This is what depression feels like.
Wake up.
Crap. I hate this. I don’t even want to get up.
Lay there. Try to sleep again.
Can’t sleep. This sucks. Why even get up? I hate everything anyway.
Alarm goes off again.
Just…no.
Deep breath.
Well, I have to. People expect it. But *sigh* nothing is good.
The feeling sinks more in as the tired wears off and the reality that there is no energy to come shows up again. Another day, after another night where you thought you’d go to bed and wake up okay. Another morning where you cannot understand why you can’t get it together.
I don’t want to brush my teeth.
Sit on couch. Stare out window. No thoughts.
I can’t brush my teeth.
Lays back down.
Please, don’t let anyone come and talk to me.
Mom shows up. “Time to get up!”
She makes me so mad, but okay.
I can’t do this.
The fog grows darker and darker as you realize that you haven’t the strength to even get dressed, let alone try to put on a disposition that you care about something in the world. The fog that takes away what you do enjoy, and leaves you begging to just enjoy something again.
Get dressed from the unorganized clothes.
I’ll get to those tomorrow.
Work.
Come on brain, concentrate. Please, just concentrate.
Rubs eyes.
Can’t concentrate. WHY CAN’T I THINK!?
What’s even the point?
Tears.
Phone call to mom.
I can’t do this.
“You can do this.”
I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.
The walls start to crash in. You feel like an idiot because nothing is wrong, but everything feels dead, teary-eyed, and purposeless. You want someone to call and check on you but you couldn’t speak with them even if they did. You’re just…exhausted.
You make it through another day, somehow.
Go home. Empty house. Feels like your heart.
Who cares about TV? Why are there always so many dishes? I hope no one calls. I have to try to get this house in order.
Sit on couch. Exhaustion piles on thick. Tired eyes, no reason to stand up, achy body, and every negative thought ever.
You won’t be able to do this. All of your friends are going to leave. Your family won’t want to be around you. You can’t be real with these people or else you’ll just sit here like this really alone. You’re a mess; get it together.
No dishes, no cleaning, just begging for bedtime. But knowing 7pm will always be too early. Lay there awake and in aching misery for a while more. Cry, if you’re not too tired to.
Please, God, let it be better tomorrow.
——
I find that a lot of people have no idea what depression feels like. Oftentimes, it’s a joke. “Why don’t they just get over it?” “Why don’t you just be thankful for some things?” “Clean your room; open some blinds!” “Just call a friend.”
But I just couldn’t. No one with serious depression can. In all honesty, to have depression and not kill yourself sometime during the day is a huge feat. And it’s not pretend. It’s devastatingly real. So real that I would rather go through every day of chemotherapy and amputation instead.
People who stay alive in this aren’t a mess – they’re stronger than you’ll ever know.
So here’s to hope. If you don’t understand depression, please do. Know if your friends and family are depressed. If they’re not calling you back, it might because they need you to go to their house and help them. Clean their house until they can do it again on their own. Never tell them they’re a mess – they’ve already got all the problems evident enough.
If you do understand depression, and you’ve been there, you’re not alone. You are never, ever alone. I know how you feel, and I now, for the first time in my entire life, am not fighting the negative screaming in my head. I’m alive, and you will be too.
Just comment here if you need help. I can help you know what to do.
Don’t give up. You are not ever alone.
…because love wins.
Dreams do come true.
She steps out into the light. The backstage had been a flurry of hundreds of people milling around.
“Decker, check. Check. Check.”
In 2 hours, thousands of people will enter this auditorium. They’ll come from all around the country. They’ll be in the middle of a fight with their wife. They’ll wish their children could do better in school. They’ll have an autistic sister. They’ll be sad. They’ll be hopeless. They’ll be happy. They’ll understand life, or they won’t.
She stops out there. Says a prayer.
“Abba, it’s not me. It’s You. You have them. You be with them. You dream loud, speak loud, do what you do. I’m just so human.”
She looks down at her leg. Who would have thought that this piece of molded plastic would lead to a headset, singing on stage, jumping up and down, crying in front of people? Well, surely not she. She was just this little girl with doggies on her footy pajamas sitting on the porch talking to her Father.
And a tear falls. One tear, as she looks down at her mom, dad, and sister. Front row, always catching a tear, a hug, a smile, a reminder of who she is.
Who is she that she could speak through an amputation and chemo drip?
She’s just a human. Who has lost much. And who has everything, because of Jesus.
She’s a girl who watches His dreams for her come true every day.
…because love wins.
Let yourself be loved.
Today, after a long day at work, a busy day of non-profit work, and just general exhaustion, I had a crabby conversation with a new friend. I wasn’t rational, really. Just exhausted and you know, doing that “the sky is falling” stuff that we do when we’re tired. (It’s clear in moments like these why babies have such a hard time without naps, but that’s another matter all in itself.) And what did he do? Just stopped me, listened, and then reminded me to breathe.
Then, another friend popped up and did the same thing. And it was really quite refreshing. Nothing catastrophic was happening, and that’s the thing. It’s most important to see what one’s friends will do when there is something non-earth shattering that needs helping. Will they attend to your scrape, or will they let it go uncovered?
My friends notice. They help. They are beautiful, wonderful, people, even if I’m not always the best friend and I’m still a human. And I would trust them in a major situation when I was really hurt, because they do a great job taking care of my scrapes.
So blessed.
….because love wins.
Clear the Stage.
This song cannot not change your life.
#mybestfriendblessesme
…because love wins.
Unemployment.
You know, it’s becoming more and more common every day that the people around me end up unemployed. It’s not because they didn’t try. It’s not because they’re not smart. It’s not even for lack of degree. It’s just that this is how it is right now.
But you know what? It’s okay. Keep trying. Never give up. Don’t you dare think that you do not have value because you’re without a job. You are brilliant. You are able. You are not a title and you are not just a person. You are YOU. There is no one else like you.
But if you’re at a job, and you’re not appreciating, be sure to stop doing that. And enjoy your life.
Jesus says this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lmi9IBP209s
…because love wins.
I have depression.
I have depression.
But I am not depression.
I am not a foggy thought.
I am not a worried eye.
I am not an aimless tear.
I am not a useless try.
I am not my frustration.
I am not just lazy.
I am not really mean.
I am not crazy.
I am simply me.
I have depression.
But I am not depression.
I overcome each day.
Just to get out of bed.
I wake up and say,
“I’m going to try again.”
I withhold how I feel.
And sort my self from my thoughts.
I try to be who I am.
And even if you don’t understand,
I’ll never see you for what you’re not.
I have depression.
But I am not depression.
I am open, honest, helped.
I am well.
I am stable.
I am understanding.
I am able.
I am strong.
I’ve sought light.
I’ve come to see,
That life doesn’t have to be a fight.
I have depression.
But I am not depression.
I write these things to you,
and you may know what it feels,
or you could turn and walk away.
But there is one thing to know –
whether you have depression or you don’t,
the world around you has depression,
so tell them right now that they’re not alone.
I have depression.
But I am not depression.
A little known fact about me is that my family is riddled with depression. I myself manage it, understand it, and am treated for it each day. I’m writing this honest post to share with those who have depression that you are not alone – there is hope, there is life, there is sanity beyond the fight.
I am well. I have been taken care of. This society that we live in seems to think that those with depression are muted by their medications or should be left alone to cry. But I want to silence that today, because you’ve seen me, and I’m alive.
Who I am is not pretend. I’m just finally me. So do not leave those with mental illness alone. Rather, take a moment, and help them believe.
Most importantly – I am not my depression. I am not hiding, running, fearing. I am free. If you have depression, you don’t have to live this way. Reach out just a little even if you don’t feel you have the strength. Someone will help you until you can walk again.
If you are afraid of depression, ask me about it. Seek to understand. You can no more hide than a penny in a water glass. Be kind – for you yourself may face this one day.
And if you’re taking care of your depression – I am so proud of you. And I’m not the only one.
I’m going to leave you with a video of a little girl with cancer and rotationplasty who I have been blessed to mentor. She is brilliant, and though this dance exemplifies overcoming a physical disability, it speaks to our mental lives as well.
Share this with your friends and family and share your success stories below. And, keep smiling – on and on.
Oh, and, just don’t ever. give. up. One more breath at a time.
…because love wins.
Because Love Wins 