Thank you, Talia.

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I didn’t know you, not in person.
It’s true.
But I knew you, in the heart,
I got you.

You were beautiful.
Not because of the makeup.
But because of the goal.
Because you spoke up.

We fight this beast every day.
It killed you.
It killed them.
When will it be through?

I’m a cancer survivor, sure.
But what is surviving?
Pretty lame if all your friends still die.
We were meant to be striving.

I know you won’t share any more words.
That your family will never get their little girl.
That you would have lived so big.
And that you would have changed the world.

And I know you still will.
Because you’re you.
Because you had kid’s cancer.
Because you walked it through.

But I wish you were here.
I wish your scans were clear.
And I wish we could really meet.
Your momma wishes you were near.

But you’re not.
So we’ll keep on.
We’ll dance.
Watch the stars.

We’ll watch Ellen.
We’ll talk about you.
We’ll stop this beast.
We’ll make lives new.

From MSN News:

“Talia Castellano, a charismatic 13-year-old Florida girl with cancer who inspired people around the world with her online videos about makeup and who became an honorary face of CoverGirl cosmetics, has died.

Talia, who had been fighting neuroblastoma, a type of childhood cancer, for six years, died Tuesday morning with her family by her side.

The passing note was pasted on her official facebook page:

“It is with a heavy heart that we share with all of you that Talia has earned her wings at 11:22 a.m. Please lift her beautiful soul, her beautiful light to heaven and please send your love and prayers to her family during this most difficult time. Godspeed, little one, may you be free from pain and suffering, may your soul feel the light and love that you brought to so many of us on this Earth during the short time you were here with us. We will miss you more than you will ever know, baby girl.”

Talia’s YouTube channel, filled with videos of tutorials about makeup, drew hundreds of thousands of subscribers.

Talia didn’t like wigs to cover her bald head, but she loved wearing makeup.

“It’s really cool to know that people watch me, and that they like me, and they think I’m inspiring,” she told Fox 35 in an interview last year. “Every single comment that I get that says they think I’m inspiring or whatever, it feels so good. It’s really cool.”

Talia had many TV appearances, including one on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” in September.

DeGeneres, a representative of CoverGirl, made Talia an honorary CoverGirl, complete with her own portrait. Talia was also given a check for $20,000 from the makeup brand and appeared in an ad in People magazine for CoverGirl.

ImageTalia was featured in the documentary movie “The Truth 365,” about kids fighting cancer.

DeGeneres took to Twitter to express her condolences.

“This year I met a very special girl, and today we lost her. Sending my heart to Talia’s family. I’m so sad,” the talk show host tweeted.”

And you can help us end childhood cancer. No one should be just a good story. We should be moms, dads, sisters, grandparents, softball players, professional make-up artists. We shouldn’t be dead.

If you’d like to end childhood cancer with us, please watch this documentary, and “like” TheTruth365 on facebook. You’ll see my story featured there as well.

To all those who help, thank you.

To Talia, thank you.

Let’s stop childhood cancer.

…because love (has to) win.

Sing like never before.

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Bless the Lord, oh my soul. Worship His holy name. 
Sing like never before, oh my soul. 
I’ll worship Your holy name. 

This is my heart today. Praise the Lord!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rrW98U5ZEw

…because love wins.

Say what you need to say.

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ImageSome of the greatest mistakes that I have ever seen others make come from being silent when they need to speak. Today, I went on a drive by myself. I watched a deer jump around and then the sunset after that. I thought through the richness of my most recent conversations: 

“He just got his feeding tube. He’s not a big fan of it.” 
“Can I hold your hand?” 
“I always dreamed of something like this.” 
“I cannot believe this is happening.” 
“Will you be my best friend?” 

And then I thought about what would have happened in the lives of these people had we not spoken. They wouldn’t know me, and I wouldn’t know them. When they or I leave the earth, we wouldn’t have last words to share. We wouldn’t have changed each other’s hearts. 

I’ve lost quite a few friends. And the things that were most important (and remain the most important) are the moments of rawness. The tears, the Gospel, the serious ache. The “I’m sorry.” and “I forgive you.” The “That’s annoying.” and “That’s funny.” And the teary eyed conversations that end in prayer and laughter. 

The gist is this. Fear is easy. Love is hard. 

Let yourself always say the kind things that you need to say. You’ll be so happy you did. And so will everyone else. 

…because love wins. 

This is what depression feels like.

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Wake up.
Crap. I hate this. I don’t even want to get up. 
Lay there. Try to sleep again.
Can’t sleep. This sucks. Why even get up? I hate everything anyway. 
Alarm goes off again.
Just…no. 

Deep breath.
Well, I have to. People expect it. But *sigh* nothing is good. 

The feeling sinks more in as the tired wears off and the reality that there is no energy to come shows up again. Another day, after another night where you thought you’d go to bed and wake up okay. Another morning where you cannot understand why you can’t get it together.

I don’t want to brush my teeth. 
Sit on couch. Stare out window. No thoughts.
I can’t brush my teeth.
Lays back down.
Please, don’t let anyone come and talk to me.

Mom shows up. “Time to get up!”
She makes me so mad, but okay.

I can’t do this. 

The fog grows darker and darker as you realize that you haven’t the strength to even get dressed, let alone try to put on a disposition that you care about something in the world. The fog that takes away what you do enjoy, and leaves you begging to just enjoy something again.

Get dressed from the unorganized clothes.
I’ll get to those tomorrow. 

Work.
Come on brain, concentrate. Please, just concentrate. 

Rubs eyes.
Can’t concentrate. WHY CAN’T I THINK!? 
What’s even the point? 

Tears.
Phone call to mom.
I can’t do this. 

“You can do this.”

I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. 

The walls start to crash in. You feel like an idiot because nothing is wrong, but everything feels dead, teary-eyed, and purposeless. You want someone to call and check on you but you couldn’t speak with them even if they did. You’re just…exhausted.

You make it through another day, somehow.

Go home. Empty house. Feels like your heart.

Who cares about TV? Why are there always so many dishes? I hope no one calls. I have to try to get this house in order. 

Sit on couch. Exhaustion piles on thick. Tired eyes, no reason to stand up, achy body, and every negative thought ever.

You won’t be able to do this. All of your friends are going to leave. Your family won’t want to be around you. You can’t be real with these people or else you’ll just sit here like this really alone. You’re a mess; get it together. 

No dishes, no cleaning, just begging for bedtime. But knowing 7pm will always be too early. Lay there awake and in aching misery for a while more. Cry, if you’re not too tired to.

Please, God, let it be better tomorrow. 

——

I find that a lot of people have no idea what depression feels like. Oftentimes, it’s a joke. “Why don’t they just get over it?” “Why don’t you just be thankful for some things?” “Clean your room; open some blinds!” “Just call a friend.”

But I just couldn’t. No one with serious depression can. In all honesty, to have depression and not kill yourself sometime during the day is a huge feat. And it’s not pretend. It’s devastatingly real. So real that I would rather go through every day of chemotherapy and amputation instead.

People who stay alive in this aren’t a mess – they’re stronger than you’ll ever know.

So here’s to hope. If you don’t understand depression, please do. Know if your friends and family are depressed. If they’re not calling you back, it might because they need you to go to their house and help them. Clean their house until they can do it again on their own. Never tell them they’re a mess – they’ve already got all the problems evident enough.

If you do understand depression, and you’ve been there, you’re not alone. You are never, ever alone. I know how you feel, and I now, for the first time in my entire life, am not fighting the negative screaming in my head. I’m alive, and you will be too.

Just comment here if you need help. I can help you know what to do.

Don’t give up. You are not ever alone.

…because love wins.

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Success

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Image“I’ve traded laughter for hundreds of tears, for battles I didn’t have to fight. Now I’m using the questions and failures and fear to fuel this fire of mine.” 

I heard this quote today for about the hundredth time while it played in my clean little house. It’s from a song that I found on a random internet search for free music. I don’t even really know who sings it. (Though my iPod does.) But it’s just so applicable. 

Success is like that. You choose what you’re going to do with your tears. It’s not weak to cry them, and it’s not foolish to want to grieve things that are gone, but it is both weak and foolish to allow your tears, loss, or failure lead to more of the same. This is your life; do you know that? No one else lives it for you.

Success really is sometimes your greatest failure. What would have happened if you would have stayed dating that person? What if you would have been stuck in that job before they let you go? What if you had lived in that city your entire life and never saw this one? We all know that the past, if we let it, the failures, if we let them, lead us only to greater success. 

This has been the mantra of this past year in my life. More people than I could even count have done their fair share of ignoring my skills and abilities because of my age. I’ve learned to move right past the disappointment and right into adding that wood to my fire. One piece of wood at a time, I burn brighter, love stronger, and rest fuller. It’s a beautiful place to be. 

It’s a beautiful thing to know that I don’t always have to fight and that most times, I can already live as though the greatness of the future has arrived. 

…because love wins.

Dreams do come true.

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ImageShe steps out into the light. The backstage had been a flurry of hundreds of people milling around. 

“Decker, check. Check. Check.” 

In 2 hours, thousands of people will enter this auditorium. They’ll come from all around the country. They’ll be in the middle of a fight with their wife. They’ll wish their children could do better in school. They’ll have an autistic sister. They’ll be sad. They’ll be hopeless. They’ll be happy. They’ll understand life, or they won’t. 

She stops out there. Says a prayer.

“Abba, it’s not me. It’s You. You have them. You be with them. You dream loud, speak loud, do what you do. I’m just so human.” 

She looks down at her leg. Who would have thought that this piece of molded plastic would lead to a headset, singing on stage, jumping up and down, crying in front of people? Well, surely not she. She was just this little girl with doggies on her footy pajamas sitting on the porch talking to her Father. 

And a tear falls. One tear, as she looks down at her mom, dad, and sister. Front row, always catching a tear, a hug, a smile, a reminder of who she is. 

Who is she that she could speak through an amputation and chemo drip? 

She’s just a human. Who has lost much. And who has everything, because of Jesus. 

She’s a girl who watches His dreams for her come true every day. 

…because love wins.

That’s actually pretend.

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Real Love

I was going to say that I don’t mean to break this to you, but I really do mean to break it to you. If you haven’t heard this before, or don’t seem to understand what I’m about to tell you, be sure to read it over and over and over again until you do.

Most of the things around you are actually pretend.

“What? You’re crazy.”

No, really.

“Um.”

Really. Let’s observe. What decides what you do? How you do it? WHY you do whatever it is that you do? I’m willing to bet it’s for three main reasons:

1) Because someone told you to.
2) Because you’re afraid someone will think less of you because you don’t.
3) Because it’s what everyone else does.

Even if this isn’t it for you (which I am certain for most of the world, it is.), there is a serious joke being played on us.

How can we have a culture that is anything, if all we exist to do is please one another? Half of what you think in your head, either you made up, or the person next to you made up. The lies, the garbage, the “fulfilling” alcohol that you continue to drink. It’s all a sick illusion – a pretend form of real life.

Real is defined as such: Actually existing as a thing or occuring in fact; not imagined or supposed.

I am willing to say that most of your decisions in life about the kind of person that you are, are based totally on pretend premises. That you do them and if you ask yourself why you do them, it’s not because you, at the core of you, know that it’s the right thing to do.

Instead, it’s because of some other fluffy pretend stuff.

Here’s your job for the day.

1) If you haven’t sat in silence for ONE FULL HOUR of your life with no interruptions, do so. Get to know yourself. And Jesus. Those things are in the quiet places.
2) Pick two things you do because someone else told you to that you know aren’t what you should be doing. And then stop doing them.
3) Write down how you see yourself. Then, reverse all the things that say you’re worth nothing. Write down that you’re worth everything as many times as it takes to believe it.
4) If you hate your job, just quit. Stop wasting your life.
5) Go hug your mom, dad, siblings, friends, and maybe even the homeless man on 55th street.
6) Eat fruit.

7) Stop pretending. Stop letting others pretend. Let life be real and quit being afraid of the beauty that could come to you if you just let life be real.

…because love wins.

 

Let yourself be loved.

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Today, after a long day at work, a busy day of non-profit work, and just general exhaustion, I had a crabby conversation with a new friend. I wasn’t rational, really. Just exhausted and you know, doing that “the sky is falling” stuff that we do when we’re tired. (It’s clear in moments like these why babies have such a hard time without naps, but that’s another matter all in itself.) And what did he do? Just stopped me, listened, and then reminded me to breathe. 

Then, another friend popped up and did the same thing. And it was really quite refreshing. Nothing catastrophic was happening, and that’s the thing. It’s most important to see what one’s friends will do when there is something non-earth shattering that needs helping. Will they attend to your scrape, or will they let it go uncovered? 

My friends notice. They help. They are beautiful, wonderful, people, even if I’m not always the best friend and I’m still a human. And I would trust them in a major situation when I was really hurt, because they do a great job taking care of my scrapes. 

So blessed. 

….because love wins.