And how did we get here? How did we become this? How did this become what we work for, and dream for, and love? How, oh how, did such grace enter these lives? And how, oh how, do we even thank enough?

We fall in awe, Abba.

I fix my gaze upon Your splendor as she leaves my yard. She drove up, in that black car; one I know well. We stood in the perfect light of the sun. A moment captured me that I know will never leave me. Her face was tired, as I replayed the moments I’ve watched in the past months. There’s no reason she shouldn’t be like this. Death is such a something that we cannot understand. Life, is something more that we cannot understand. So, you wonder why I keep you. And you wonder why I care to try to understand. You wonder why even when I can’t stay in the right place, and I know I might not get anything that particularly right from you, I stay here. You wonder why when you’ve stopped letting the light in, that I keep praying. You wonder, why I’m even here.

Why?

Because every single day, we ask the same question.

Why, oh why are we here?

You care to stop and ask, because you have to. So do I. So do I.

So stand by me, until forever. I’ll be what I can be. I’ll live the questions with you. And there’ll be love that is hope that we know someday, we’ll know.

I’m not afraid of anything you are.

Fall with me. Let us watch Someone else pick us back up.

…because love wins.

Light of my life, go. go deeply. go boldly. go. go. go. go. To that city. To that heart. Beyond the glasses. The microphone. The smart phone. Light of my life, take them up and away. Take them and hold them, and shine all over the way. Light of my life, be everything and more. Open much. Close even more. Light of my life, send Your shield, hold them forever. Let dark hold nothing, evermore. Light of my life, walk the streets. Abide in the car. Light of my life, hold up the walls. Light of my life, dream for them, and keep them out from under places in backyards. Keep them from fields. Keep them from past lives, and remind them what You’ve made new. Light of my life, erase the guilt in lies. Make them whole; so that peace, they can spy. Light of my life, they know You love deeply. They know You’re enough. Now, please, cover everything.

In Your most holy name.

…because love wins.

Ah, what stillness there is Your breath, Abba.
As all else continues, You and I, we hide away.
There’s a spinning top for a heart.
There’s something that adds ache to mine.
But oh, You call me close, and it fades away.
Lost, in Love Divine.
The accusations have been much.
The wonder about the definition of us.
The work. Work. Work. Work.
Some days, I wonder at what’s enough.
As still You whisper: “Be still my soul.”
For You have called me Your own.

What comfort there comes in remembering You have never left. What silence there is in the stillness of Your breath. The twirling, dancing, breeze of Your love, passes me, wraps me, meets me from above. And, on this soft day, I stop to stare. Let it captivate. Be all. Make me aware. What have You, done, Father? How, how can I be here?

These weeks, and months have been a lot.

But You have been more.

You have been to all what I cannot.

So there is nothing I can do.

But say, with all of me.

Thank You.

…because love wins.

I sit here and dream about the now, and then. I think about your eyes, and what you’ll do to make me smile on a big business day. How you’ll stand next to me when I step off that stage. How they’ll probably know you too. How you’ll laugh at the insane, and cry at the heart breaking. How you’ll take my hand, and we’ll turn and walk. And after those set of steps, we’ll do it all together. Because you’ll know my eyes say nothing more important than: “Just walk with me.” That’ll be perfect. I love you.

You’re the queen of “remember when?”s in my life. You were there for all of it. Through the dumb things. The hard things. The things were I just needed someone to laugh with. When I just needed a hug. When I needed an Alto 2. When I needed a ride. You were there. You still are. That, we smiled about, rarely happens in this beautiful life. You know me, for you’ve been here.

Remember when…

…she was our babysitter, and we had to move because the cancer took her?
…our moms put us in those frilly dresses and ruffly socks?
…we had those teeth that were not straight, but our smiles always melted our daddies?
…we realized that we both attended the same family reunions?
…the swimming pool was the greatest hang out?
…the cancer moved its way into my life?
…the cancer was gone?
…you learned how to tickle my backwards foot?
…always being late for choir?
…the dumb choices in boys you made? And how I told you so, but loved you anyway?
…everyone thought we were twins while you were a munchkin in the Wizard of Oz?
…Jake Donze made our lives?
…we practiced and practiced and practiced for that duet?
…Mountain Dew and m&ms and a pile of physics we never really understood?
…being my best friend when mine left me?
…laughing at me while things made no sense?
….that night in the dorm room, before it all changed?
…calling Faller?
…driving in those cars, way faster than we should have?
…burning papers post high school?
…crying while the last bell rang?
…getting in the car at 4am?
…laughing in an Applebees parking lot?
…being giddy about those people with violins?
…accepting each other no matter how we were?
…getting random phone calls from random numbers and then coming over to spend 3 hours?
…meeting me in the hospital room because of her cancer?

…walking up my driveway with a ring on your finger and asking me to be in your wedding?

Some things change. Others never do. There’s nothing I would rather have done but sit there for hours and giggle with you.

…because love wins.

Beat.
Beat.
Beat.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Beat.
Beat.
Beat.
Listen for you.
Listen for me.
Beat.
Beat.
Beat.
Feel for you.
Feel for me.
Beat.
Beat.
Beat.
Love.
Ache.
Beat.
Beat.
Beat.
Hope.
Rejoice.
Beat.
Beat.
Beat.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Beat.
Beat.
Beat.

There is a rhythm I’m coming to know in the silence of my soul. There is a place we return to time and time again. There, as our hearts beat, we find, together, we always stand. We’re so far beyond us.

They’ll never understand this.
I don’t need them to.
This? This was Heaven’s kiss.

Your eyes tell me more.
Not a cry. Not a whine.
The Kingdom goes to the spirit of poor.

It’ll never be about what you say.
Words are but a piece of the soul.
He takes our speech; He, the Way.

I already know.
You believe. You do.
That heart? And this? They grow.

There is much beyond.
Nail pierced He is.
For me, and you, those wounds.

You feel my heart beat.
I’ll walk the same in that.
Seems we waited years to meet.

So, go, dear soul.
Live. Live. Live. Live. Listen. Live.
I hold a hand. Clutch prayer more than gold.

You, me, Him, we.
So many pieces, yet all complete.
What you see in Him, is in you. Believe me.

Oh, how far this is all beyond us. How there is nothing we can grasp but the faith in which we find each beat of our lives. Be encouraged, for you are so far from alone, that even the angels smirk at the thought. You are Israel. Lay down your shield. He’s already built one chosen for your pulse. Together, we walk. Eyes forward. Hearts reminded. Hearts remembering. You’ve been here, for some time much longer than I know. Forever, I’d say. Just as long as life goes.

…because loves wins.