The journeys that we walk are not ones that were created without the most perfect of Divine brush strokes.

See that dark spot over there? That’s as it should be, for that time, you learned what light was.
See that wrinkle? That’s right. You’re only human.
See that burn? That’s only because you tried to take control and iron it out yourself. My peace is ointment. You have that too.
That fear? It’s just because your jealousy is a lack of trust. I have faith for you.
That shredded piece? That means you lived. I find it beautiful. It doesn’t have to go away for Me to be true.
That blotch of pain that shows up every once and a while? Ah, it’s ok. I know about that too. No more hiding. You’re free.
That confusion in red? Oh, little one, that’s nothing more than why you need to keep learning of Me. Heaven, dear.

That white, over there? That’s what I see. That’s what you are. And, that’s why you can hold up the other painting, and say joyfully, “This was me!”. You are not as you once were. You are made anew and forgive to be. Tell them, and speak honestly, there’s nothing to fear for the peace is already given, by Me.

Tonight, I read old journals. Oh, Jesus, You are so beyond me.

Two days until a speech at the National Youth Gathering.

And who I was 3 years ago? That was me?

I’ll tell them.

To Your glory, Jesus. Only to you.

Every part of me.

I have so much more to learn.

…because love wins.

I have hope in you. I still do. I know it’s been years. I know I watched you do that. I know. I know. I know. But I know the heart in there. I know who it is that you’re supposed to be. I know. I know those secrets. What you dream of and want, and fear. And it’s interesting, that after all these years, I still know. And I still know you can be free. The ache isn’t the same in me as it was then, but oh, how I loved you. How it seems, I still do. Eternally. His love. So I can’t be there, and I rejoice in the the will of our Jesus in that, but I’ll pray, for watching death in your life is not something that I can ever just sit and accept kindly.

You still shape me today, because you remind me of just a glimpse of what I’ve been saved from. From how you hurt me, I’m healed. From how you left me, I’ve forgiven. For who I know you are, I’ll still pray.

It really hurt. Oh, it did. But without it, I wouldn’t know my Jesus.

You break my heart as Jesus’ does.

And He loves you.

Believe it.

I’ll tell hundreds about the hope that is Jesus a week from now and you’re to thank for that in some ways.

Everything is perfectly placed as it should be.

Thank You, Jesus.

…because love wins.

You sat in your chair; the one that you’ve loved to sit in for years, in front of the windows, with that tree that’s been there since my sister’s birth twenty five years in the past, rustling right behind you. Life seemed to flash within me.

You’re everywhere in this place. It seems to be your pride, for you’ve built it from the bottom up. It’s been new windows and kitchens and carpet and TVs. It’s been tears at the top of stairs, meal after meal after meal in right off the deck. It’s been your anxiety attacks, and watching you become more like Jesus. It’s been your dreams for us, and fashion shows and vomit clean up and washing walls. It’s been movie nights and hugs on evenings of wonder. It’s been rainbow watching, and fishing line untangling, and the looking at of photos. It’s been nights of laptops and Hallmark movies. It’s been your always kisses goodnight, and your always rampant joyous good mornings. It’s been listening in on phone calls, and not taking some. It’s even been the chicken pox and chemo fever nights and the family meetings to discuss all things life. It’s been firing, and hiring, and apologizing, and becoming. We’ve laughed until we’ve cried. We’ve cried until we laughed. And even today, you want for me nothing but the best.

Your eyes sparkled as I remembered you sending me off to college. I wasn’t like most people. Didn’t need to run far from home, and didn’t need to say goodbye. Wanted home to be where I was, and made phone calls every night. You emailed me every other moment, and we grew closer as you told me how proud you were to watch me live. I was getting wings, but it’s your roots that made me fly. Two years later, I still never want to say goodbye.

You decided it was time to tell me about where your money and life insurance is dealt with. How to sell the business, and tell me that you’ll kill me if my sister and I argue over lamps. You tell me to go here and there and talk to these people, and I listen with intent. But, there’s something in me that wouldn’t believe it. There’s no way that some day I’ll be here without you, is there? Without my cheer team, and my crying shoulder? And without my answered phone calls and always someone pushing me to be bolder? There’s no way that there’ll be a time in which we’re not always just a car ride away? How could that be? You built the house that built me.

We don’t know when you’ll leave, and that’s so much more than ok. But, it’s incredible to look back, and realize that someday, it’ll all change. I know God will provide, but for as long as you can, stay with me and hold me. I don’t want to live life without these two best friends.

Thank you for teaching me to live in a way that makes you proud.
Thank you for telling me there’s nothing I can’t become.
Thank you for knowing my heart and telling me to get rid of my terrible habits.
Thank you for knowing that I get grumpy when tired, and need nothing but ten hours of sleep to beat it.
Thank you for the work ethic, and the way that I can’t explain why you’re a part of me.
Thank you for holding my vomit bucket, and petting me when my hair again you could finally see.
Thank you for calling too much. Nagging too much. Always making me dinner.
Thank you for being my employer, then teaching me that I am always a winner.
Thank you for pushing me, then holding tightly with a hand.
Thank you for driving too much, and for being everything in the silent spans.
Thank you for the car rides, the acceptance, and the dreams.
Thank you for always being sheer and real with me.
Thank you for holding my bike when the little wheels came off, and thank you for telling me at the stop sign means stop.
Thank you for holding my heart, and reminding me that Jesus always will.
Thank you for believing, and always chasing His will.

But above all else, thank you for being a part of me. I know beyond all things, together we’ll always be.

I love you, Mommy and Daddy, and will always be your baby girl.

…because love wins.

http://www.BecauseLoveWins.com

Sometimes it’s hard to believe these things are real.

Thank You, Abba.

…because love wins.

There are very few things more beautiful than sitting in a room with your family, and being known by a set of people that have been the hands of love shaping you for all these years. For that baby, Jesus, thank you. For the eyes that see my heart, and know the years, thank you, Abba. It’s more beautiful than I can say in its simplicity. These moments will never be lost, for they’re Yours.

…because love wins.

I walked out the back door of our house to be greeted in a way I haven’t been for a while. The shade of the now twenty-five year old maple seemed to wipe all thoughts away. I took a seat next to one of the bushes that lines the area under our deck, and let the silence be. What I saw became more with everything that I felt in addition to it.

To my left was the circle, still a visible in a bit more than my mind’s eye, where the green turtle sandbox used to sit. Toad races, and castle building captivated us, (being my best friends, and adopted neighbor family) for hours in the late summer sun. Croquet, and the games we made up when we tired of the rules as the world would have them, always had to be built around the hill that led up to the tree. There were always a couple of us a little better with our aim in a way that often drove the younger ones crazy. Over there? To the right? That was where we almost died in our tents when the severe thunderstorm rolled in and neither of us was going to be the first to leave. Behind me, I could almost hear the baby birds as they filled the nest that used to be there every spring. And farther off the way, hung my mom’s laundry. Blowing, and moving, and becoming a piece of God’s love letter to me.

After a good while, I stood up again, and thought about what beauty I could find behind me, and what beauty that brought to me in this moment. The nights my dad and I spent sitting on the deck fighting mosquitoes after supper rolled through my mind. I had grown under this tree. I had grown in this half acre plot. This place, where I remember, was my life. Is my life. This place, was the workings of my father’s hands by the strength of my Father, to give me somewhere to call home. This place still is.

I reached ahead, to wrap my arms around the tree as I had done so many times to show how much I’ve grown, through the years. This time, I realized first how much it had grown. I looked up, and caught a glimpse of the sun. Even as it changes, some things remain the same. I turned around and remembered. Remembered the tears. The laughs. The nights. The days. The learning. The breaking. The everything.

And as it passed my mind that I longed to be a child again where someone would give me a home, and supply for my every need, I remembered, I always am.

And I always will be.

All I have to do is remember Home.

“Rest, Rest and I will supply, for your every need.”

…because love wins.

The moon casts a shadow over the grassy backdrop of my life. I’m captivated by the backwards upside down inside out kingdom that I live in. I’m astounded as I listen to the silence, by the beauty that’s come to meet us. And we’re connected, as those apostles were those days. All going their direction, and standing, with that proud smile as they watched the world hate them. They walked back to their friends. And they walked with their Jesus. And that was so much more than enough. Grace, is incredible. You’re right, we don’t deserve any of it. And it doesn’t matter what I am, when my Father is everything.

Peace abounds.

…because love wins.

I’m speaking at the National Youth Gathering. What?

You mean, this girl, from a little town, who laughs with her friends at night? The one that hardly gets it together, and doesn’t even try to figure it out anymore? You mean, the one that sells lawnmowers, and thinks prosthetics are funny? The one that rollerblades  not even that well, and bikes to clear her head? Who sits in the solarium and wrestles with Business Law? The one that can hardly get up some mornings, but who thinks everything is just great as she moves though the day? The one that gets frustrated, and breaks, and messes up? The one that had cancer when she was seven?

Wait. I had cancer. I had cancer, and I’m here. Huh.

As I sit here and think about what I’ll feel like walking back to the place that changed my entire life, I can’t choose an emotion. What will I say? What’s the best way? What do I elaborate upon deeply? Will they even want to listen? How do I get out of God’s way, and be obedient? How, just exactly is this happening?

Then, I remember. As I sat as a 16 year old, depressed and never wanting to take another step, I remembered that my life had been saved. That there had been plans made for my life. And that those, were in love. That God would not have me here, unless He wanted something greater from my life. He wouldn’t use one of His children improperly. It’s a simple reminder. Simple message. But enough today, to remind me that three years ago almost to the day, I prayed to go back and speak at that place.

And, my Jesus answers.

To God be the glory.

…because love wins.