It’s funny how, a year later, it’s just now registering to me that you’re not coming back.

Be experiential. Live everything. See grace.

…because love wins.

International House of Pancakes.

Being there with you, was a bit surreal. Yet, surreal is such an interesting thing for me in these days. Nothing really surprises me anymore, just rather, exists in a realm of unbelievability. This weekend gave way to more than one or one hundred of those moments.

What does one feel when walking away from someone that’s been given their death sentence numerous times? Relation. What does someone feel when walking up to the crashing waves of the bright blue Pacific? Relation. What does one feel when bustling through a world of boarding passes and rolling bags? Relation. What does one feel when stopping to say: “Please, Jesus.”? Relation.

I’m learning to learn the eyes of Jesus in the world around me. What they see, and what they look like. This weekend they were a mini cooper and talk of divorce. They were remembering to be honest, and to remain in the moment. They were biking a little farther and speaking boldly about struggle. They didn’t tell me to go forward or backward, but instead, remain. They were stories of Africa, the soft touch of cold skin from the ocean, and laughing to tears at you being you. They were reminding to always learn.

So we relate. You and me. In IHOP. In row 17. When we think about orphans. When You listen to my cries for help.

I return to the library to close it down this Sunday night. I’m delighted to be back. Wonder at the mysteries beyond me of what always happens. Wonder at the details of what is happening. There aren’t ways to say what I saw in the past few days. There aren’t ways to explain why I won’t give up these things to stave off the overwhelming homework. There aren’t words to explain how I am forever blessed at the core to know that I trust the One that relates us all.

Your eyes were jaded by the AIDS. You told me that sometimes you wished it hadn’t happened. And, yet, you cried when you thanked me for being who I am. No, no, the thanks is so far beyond us both.You know me for that reason. Because your tears thank with a love beyond you.

Marketing tests and things to read and sunsets on the ocean and bowling for hope and still forever trying to learn how to say yes and no. This, this, I am thankful for as I walk out the library doors to pass a gaze with the stars here.

I am in love. I am alive. I am redeemed.

…because love wins.

You know it all about me. You’ve lived what others can’t. You had to go somewhere else though, and some things are in the past. I know we’ve got a lot ahead, and these people are so blessed. But oh, it’s hard to not think some things are lost, when not seeing you always is the opportunity cost.

I miss you. I love you so much more than that.

…because love wins.

You used to throw softballs at that plastic target in the backyard.
You weren’t the best, and sometimes played the bench.
It didn’t matter, you didn’t know, because what I saw,
was a hero, with footsteps to match.

I adored you as you grew.
I missed you as you left.
You’d come home and annoy me,
which ended always in laughter in bed.

I remembered tonight,
when you would come in the car when the fever got me.
You were my best friend then,
enough to catch vomit, and next to me, just be.

Now you have that little boy,
and you smile like you never have before.
You dream of forever,
and protect with your heart.

You still mess up sometimes,
though play less bench now.
Would still catch my vomit,
and do get in cars when I’m down.

I’ve learned to not take you for granted.
There are things that will change too fast.
But you have been here for all those thus far,
and know without my words, perfectly my past.

So keep walking,
for I’m still watching.
And know that I don’t thank you enough,
for everything you do; it’s so beyond enough.

You know where to tickle me.
You remember my dreams.
You’ve seen me cry.
You’ve laughed to tears.
You’ve made me food.
You’ve let me share with you.
You’ve been more than a sister.

You’ve shared it all, being who no one else could be.
Making you my sister, but more, forever my best friend.

I love you.

…because love wins.

It’s interesting how such a small space can scream and whisper of so much blessing.

Tonight, I think about your nights sleeping right over there by the TV.
I think about the night you hopped in the car and came with me, when he was being born.
I think about packing and unpacking and sitting here, and falling asleep talking to you over and over and over again.
I think about how it’s protected. Silent, if I’d like it to be, except the familiar passing train.
I think about how I sit and think about those people. You’re inpatient again. You’ll probably end up one of my best friends.
I think about how it all feels like a story. It must just be a novel that I grabbed with a mug of hot chocolate one day. Because this can’t be real.
I think about love. And every day, whether you’re close or far, what we feel.

I’m blessed, for each sparkle in your eye. Each a reminder that hope is alive. Each time you get upset, and each time I see there’s on that phone, a new message. There’s a lot to learn about Truth while we live. There’s a lot to learn about love when we dive in. It doesn’t matter where you are, and it really doesn’t matter where we’ve been. There’s something that’s made a work in us, that reminds me each one of these nights that we know a love that will always let us live, again and again.

Thank you for knowing the words to a novel that I’ll never be able to write for the world.

You know 207 is another beautiful piece.

(Take all the time you need. You know where we’ll be. But remember love. Just never forget. And say what’s on your mind.  I won’t lie; I miss you.)

…because love wins.

Your eyes said the same thing to me that they always have. The whisper, and the embrace. It’s the core of a soul spoken beyond what anything we’ll ever find to utter as humans. Because these parking lots change us. And maybe, there was something there that told you that we weren’t put here on accident. That we weren’t supposed to just be trapped in the chaos of a giant ball that spins forever until it stops. Maybe, there was something there that was a hand on your heart to say just loud enough that there is love. That there is love for you, and that it’s enough.

Maybe it was enough for you remember how much we love you.

“So meet me at the end of the world? I’m waiting. Meet me at the end of the world. Please save me. This could be the place we start the rest of our lives…”

You’re not going away. You can’t ever be gone. Because that last glance always gets me.

Remember,you’re not alone.

…because love wins.

If you are a policy man, read Daniel

If you are getting lazy, watch James

If your faith is below par, read Paul

If there is no song in your heart, listen to David

If you are getting sordid, spend a while with Isaiah

If you are getting weak-kneed, take a look at Elijah

If you are just a little bit headstrong, go to see Moses

If you are impatient, sit down quietly and have a talk with Job

If you are losing sight of the future, climb up to Revelation and get a glimpse of the promised land

If you want to talk at anytime, that’s what I am here for.

…because love wins.

It’s so nice to have you remember why we’re best friends.

I love you.

…because love wins.