There are very few things more beautiful than sitting in a room with your family, and being known by a set of people that have been the hands of love shaping you for all these years. For that baby, Jesus, thank you. For the eyes that see my heart, and know the years, thank you, Abba. It’s more beautiful than I can say in its simplicity. These moments will never be lost, for they’re Yours.

…because love wins.

I walked out the back door of our house to be greeted in a way I haven’t been for a while. The shade of the now twenty-five year old maple seemed to wipe all thoughts away. I took a seat next to one of the bushes that lines the area under our deck, and let the silence be. What I saw became more with everything that I felt in addition to it.

To my left was the circle, still a visible in a bit more than my mind’s eye, where the green turtle sandbox used to sit. Toad races, and castle building captivated us, (being my best friends, and adopted neighbor family) for hours in the late summer sun. Croquet, and the games we made up when we tired of the rules as the world would have them, always had to be built around the hill that led up to the tree. There were always a couple of us a little better with our aim in a way that often drove the younger ones crazy. Over there? To the right? That was where we almost died in our tents when the severe thunderstorm rolled in and neither of us was going to be the first to leave. Behind me, I could almost hear the baby birds as they filled the nest that used to be there every spring. And farther off the way, hung my mom’s laundry. Blowing, and moving, and becoming a piece of God’s love letter to me.

After a good while, I stood up again, and thought about what beauty I could find behind me, and what beauty that brought to me in this moment. The nights my dad and I spent sitting on the deck fighting mosquitoes after supper rolled through my mind. I had grown under this tree. I had grown in this half acre plot. This place, where I remember, was my life. Is my life. This place, was the workings of my father’s hands by the strength of my Father, to give me somewhere to call home. This place still is.

I reached ahead, to wrap my arms around the tree as I had done so many times to show how much I’ve grown, through the years. This time, I realized first how much it had grown. I looked up, and caught a glimpse of the sun. Even as it changes, some things remain the same. I turned around and remembered. Remembered the tears. The laughs. The nights. The days. The learning. The breaking. The everything.

And as it passed my mind that I longed to be a child again where someone would give me a home, and supply for my every need, I remembered, I always am.

And I always will be.

All I have to do is remember Home.

“Rest, Rest and I will supply, for your every need.”

…because love wins.

The moon casts a shadow over the grassy backdrop of my life. I’m captivated by the backwards upside down inside out kingdom that I live in. I’m astounded as I listen to the silence, by the beauty that’s come to meet us. And we’re connected, as those apostles were those days. All going their direction, and standing, with that proud smile as they watched the world hate them. They walked back to their friends. And they walked with their Jesus. And that was so much more than enough. Grace, is incredible. You’re right, we don’t deserve any of it. And it doesn’t matter what I am, when my Father is everything.

Peace abounds.

…because love wins.

I’m speaking at the National Youth Gathering. What?

You mean, this girl, from a little town, who laughs with her friends at night? The one that hardly gets it together, and doesn’t even try to figure it out anymore? You mean, the one that sells lawnmowers, and thinks prosthetics are funny? The one that rollerblades  not even that well, and bikes to clear her head? Who sits in the solarium and wrestles with Business Law? The one that can hardly get up some mornings, but who thinks everything is just great as she moves though the day? The one that gets frustrated, and breaks, and messes up? The one that had cancer when she was seven?

Wait. I had cancer. I had cancer, and I’m here. Huh.

As I sit here and think about what I’ll feel like walking back to the place that changed my entire life, I can’t choose an emotion. What will I say? What’s the best way? What do I elaborate upon deeply? Will they even want to listen? How do I get out of God’s way, and be obedient? How, just exactly is this happening?

Then, I remember. As I sat as a 16 year old, depressed and never wanting to take another step, I remembered that my life had been saved. That there had been plans made for my life. And that those, were in love. That God would not have me here, unless He wanted something greater from my life. He wouldn’t use one of His children improperly. It’s a simple reminder. Simple message. But enough today, to remind me that three years ago almost to the day, I prayed to go back and speak at that place.

And, my Jesus answers.

To God be the glory.

…because love wins.

And how did we get here? How did we become this? How did this become what we work for, and dream for, and love? How, oh how, did such grace enter these lives? And how, oh how, do we even thank enough?

We fall in awe, Abba.

I fix my gaze upon Your splendor as she leaves my yard. She drove up, in that black car; one I know well. We stood in the perfect light of the sun. A moment captured me that I know will never leave me. Her face was tired, as I replayed the moments I’ve watched in the past months. There’s no reason she shouldn’t be like this. Death is such a something that we cannot understand. Life, is something more that we cannot understand. So, you wonder why I keep you. And you wonder why I care to try to understand. You wonder why even when I can’t stay in the right place, and I know I might not get anything that particularly right from you, I stay here. You wonder why when you’ve stopped letting the light in, that I keep praying. You wonder, why I’m even here.

Why?

Because every single day, we ask the same question.

Why, oh why are we here?

You care to stop and ask, because you have to. So do I. So do I.

So stand by me, until forever. I’ll be what I can be. I’ll live the questions with you. And there’ll be love that is hope that we know someday, we’ll know.

I’m not afraid of anything you are.

Fall with me. Let us watch Someone else pick us back up.

…because love wins.

Light of my life, go. go deeply. go boldly. go. go. go. go. To that city. To that heart. Beyond the glasses. The microphone. The smart phone. Light of my life, take them up and away. Take them and hold them, and shine all over the way. Light of my life, be everything and more. Open much. Close even more. Light of my life, send Your shield, hold them forever. Let dark hold nothing, evermore. Light of my life, walk the streets. Abide in the car. Light of my life, hold up the walls. Light of my life, dream for them, and keep them out from under places in backyards. Keep them from fields. Keep them from past lives, and remind them what You’ve made new. Light of my life, erase the guilt in lies. Make them whole; so that peace, they can spy. Light of my life, they know You love deeply. They know You’re enough. Now, please, cover everything.

In Your most holy name.

…because love wins.

Ah, what stillness there is Your breath, Abba.
As all else continues, You and I, we hide away.
There’s a spinning top for a heart.
There’s something that adds ache to mine.
But oh, You call me close, and it fades away.
Lost, in Love Divine.
The accusations have been much.
The wonder about the definition of us.
The work. Work. Work. Work.
Some days, I wonder at what’s enough.
As still You whisper: “Be still my soul.”
For You have called me Your own.

What comfort there comes in remembering You have never left. What silence there is in the stillness of Your breath. The twirling, dancing, breeze of Your love, passes me, wraps me, meets me from above. And, on this soft day, I stop to stare. Let it captivate. Be all. Make me aware. What have You, done, Father? How, how can I be here?

These weeks, and months have been a lot.

But You have been more.

You have been to all what I cannot.

So there is nothing I can do.

But say, with all of me.

Thank You.

…because love wins.