When I walk into the gates, I’m going to turn and look at you. I’ll marvel at why we understood, and why we never wanted to leave. We’ll take each other’s hands, and we’ll know more than we ever did. And, you’ll know me and live it all forever. And I’ll love you and we’ll never say goodbye. And we’ll sit next to each other and watch the clouds move on and the colors we hadn’t even experienced before. And, you’ll look at me and smile, and “Don’t go,” we’ll never say again.

I love you.

…because love wins.

I cannot even grasp how beautifully blessed I am.

The Christmas music played lightly behind us. There were blocks spread all over the living room, and the dishes left in the kitchen. You just laughed with me covered in Johnson and Johnson, and were wrapped in that plush blue towel. We were all laughing, so you started to laugh too. (Don’t ever grow up, please.) We got excited when you started to really learn how to crawl. We were ecstatic, in fact. Your dad helped you for a second, and you went back to doing it how you knew how to do it, less effectively, because you didn’t understand the new, better way. I smiled, at how we’re all like you. How our Father and family rejoice over us trying, and we make mistakes, and fail to learn, yet, they do nothing but rejoice. It’s all so simple. Try. Be loved. Make mistakes. Be loved. Dream. Be loved. Laugh. Cry. Be confused. Be loved.

When they come to my funeral, I don’t want them to think of the grand things. Nothing about the stages, and nothing about the videos, or radio spots. Nothing about the articles, and the writings. Speak to them. Let them know that it was nothing more than the simple things. Let them know that it’s never been about anything more than the smallest of things. Let them know that the simple things are in fact, the most astonishing. Let them be astonished. Not by me, but by the small things. Let them know that they can come as they are. And let them know that there, they are loved.

Rejoice with them while they learn to crawl.

You’re astonishing. Grace is everywhere. With my life, I thank You.

…because love wins.

See.
More than you’ll let yourself.
Live
Bigger than you are.
Learn.
Everything you can.
Dream.
This really is all real.
Run.
Fast, and hard, and forever.
Sit.
You have much to learn. (so do I.)
Listen.
You were created to be like the ears of the world.
Remember.
“Think about the love inside the strength of heart.”
Soar.
Breathe it all in, and shoot for where you’ve never been.

I see.

You’ve never been a failure.

You never will be.

…because love wins.

The sun fades slowly and quickly the same over the copper of that building. That’s a new one, which will, sooner rather than later, be old. One car, two cars, three cars, zip by. Every moment, it’s moving. Every moment, it’s changing. The leaves fall on my shoulders as I walk slowly down this set of sidewalks that I know so well. The air turns Minnesota October crisp as I take a deep breath. It’ll never be this way again, I know.

My human stares to what goes beyond it, pondering why we cling so tightly to what we know, and beg it to never leave over and over again. The album of photos of adored moments rolls perfectly through my mind. Some bring tears to eyes, and some bring me almost to my knees. Some, with just a look, are enough to make me dance, and even more than that, are the ones that bring the tears from the thoughts of the perfection that was found in those moments. And I continue to wonder. At what will come after I walk from another earthly place. At how many years of experience will come, and at what there has been and always will be.

As I see the trees move gracefully around me, and the breeze dances its way around my footsteps, my eyes focus on the cross. On what has been, and what is, and what will always be.

I must admit, I love deeply, and I have a heart that longs much. I am not great with change, and I ache over things I cannot control.

But I am a human being who has been redeemed. I am a human being who has lived change, because I’ve been changed.

And I’m a human graced to know that some things will never change.

I love you all.

I love here.

I love everything grace.

And, no matter what, that’s right.

…because love wins.

You probably don’t know, but I think about you daily. Hourly. In almost every moment.

Know how loved you are.

…because love wins.

For day after day after day after day, they would tell me that there was something different about  me. They would continue without words, and simply want to be with me. Half of them were tentative, but others dove right in. I suppose that I never really understood what was said and meant by any of that, until these days.

You danced with me in the rain. That’s markedly different than everyone else in the last twenty years.

So no, I don’t get it all, but I do know that you make this place different, because you are. You make this place home, because you’re family. You remind me of who I am every day, because God is so undoubtedly good.

You’re proof again that Heaven is always breaking through.

I love you.

…because love wins.

For those days we felt like a mistake,
Those times when love's what you hate
Somehow
We keep marchin on

For those nights that I couldn't be there,
I've made it harder to know that you know
That somehow
We'll keep movin on

There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have
I promise you that
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

For all of the plans we've made
There isn't a flag I'd wave
Don't care where we've been
I'd sink us to swim
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know
We're not what we've seen

Oh
For this dance we move with each other
There ain't no other step
Than one foot
Right in front of the other
Oh

There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have
I promise you that
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

For all of the plans we've made
There isn't a flag I'd wave
Don't care where we've been
I'd sink us to swim
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

Right Right Right Right Left
Right Right Right Right Left
Right Right Right Marchin On

We'll have the days we break
And we'll have the scars to prove it
We'll have the bombs that we saved
And we'll have the heart
Not to lose it

For all of the times we fought
For all of the things I'm not

Oh!
You put one foot in front of the other
We move like we ain't got no other
We go where we go we're marchin on
Marchin on

There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have
I promise you that
We're marchin on
We're marchin on
Right Right Right Right Left
Right Right Right Right Left
Marchin On
Marchin on 

(yeah, always.)

...because love wins.

I walk through the large doors of Darrell Kruger over and over again each week. The same method. Upstairs, to really work, or to whisper effectively. The down, to enjoy some sights and meet with some usual friends. It’s become a pattern of my time; something of consistency. I notice things that have changed, and we all like to pretend that this is social time. Slowly, days go on, and we’re more and more jaded. Walking into the doors isn’t a complete blessing in our minds, and being with many people isn’t the most fun thing to do.

I find myself walking on water that I’ve made flat myself. I find myself molding the world the way I would like it to be, listening less and less to my heart, as it whispers, “Go this way, then that.” But I want to be with you all. But I know I cannot. I don’t know how to manage this. Your set of eyes and what you see, followed by the ache that flows from your eyes. I’m not sure what to do with the world as it starts to spin even faster. I stop every once and a while and when I am asked how I am, I’m not sure how to answer that question.

Indication: Something’s wrong.

So I retreat. I walk into the small box that I call my dorm home, to be reminded that I won’t find a thing in the heart of others that will solve anything. Nothing but something that reminds me that I need Jesus more. It’s not that I wanted to find it, but it’s that that’s all we seek for. I realize that I am not your best friend, nor am I yours. You belong to Jesus, just as I do, for sure.

“Love is patient. Love is kind,” plays softly within me.

This is all new, Abba, and there’s no way I know what to do. But, I’m willing to listen; I won’t run away. So please, lead me. Guide whatever the way.

Please make this more than simply my story.

…because love wins.